Tomorrows that never come
by sammy921
Summary: Heartbreaking events don't define us. We grow, we learn, and we overcome. We write our own stories, we pave our own destinies. A short story of new beginnings.


This story is kind of dear to my heart.

Being a cancer survivor myself, I think it's important to always have hope.

This story works as a one chapter stand alone.

If everyone wants to read more though I could easily turn it into a multi chapter work.

Just let me know what you think, I am here to please my readers :).

Thank you again for all of the love and support everyone has sent my way.

Warmest regards, Sammy. 💕

* * *

**Tomorrows That Never Come.**

Like most things in life, the news of my illness came quite suddenly and without any warning.

My life as I knew it was about to change, drastically.

The doctor delivered the news stoically, almost robotic.

As if cancer was no big deal.

He was neither hopeful or negative about the outcome of my chances.

To him, I was merely a name on a chart; one more statistic in the never-ending battle.

Doctor Robot, as I like to call him, quickly signed me up for chemotherapy.

I was to start in one weeks time.

It all happened so fast.

And so, like the sane and well put together person that I am, I did the only logical thing that came to mind.

_ I ignored it. _

That's what sane people do right?

We take all the heartbreaking and unbearable things that life throws at us and we tuck it away in our brain's filing cabinet; under labels such as_ '__I can't deal with this shit_ right now', _or 'just ignore it and it'll go away'._

My next brilliant idea, stemming from a shocked psyche with an overflowing file cabinet was to leave town.

_ Immediately_.

Without telling a single soul why.

The thought of telling my family that I was possibly going to die was another thing to shove in the file.

So I jumped into my red 1992 Ford Ranger pickup and drove.

In a way, it felt as if I was trying to outrun the situation.

Trying to drive faster than the incessant thoughts that now clouded my mind.

_Why was this happening to me?_

_ How could I have cancer at such a young age?_

_ What about all my dreams?_

_ All the things I'll never get to do now._

I was filled suddenly with an overwhelming despair, and the greatest regrets of my life began to flood in.

Things that had once seemed far off and trivial now sprang to my mind.

I would never get to meet Mr. Right, get married, or be a mother.

I spent all of my time at work instead of looking for the love of my life.

Precious time that I should have been spending with family and friends had been wasted in an office.

I had worked my life away, caught up in promotions and paychecks.

Climbing the corporate ladder had been my mission.

Now, my life was ending, before it had even truly started.

That's the problem with time...

We often forget that there is never enough of it.

I drove aimlessly and I cried for what felt like hours.

The road was a blur, my mind overloaded and my body blessedly numb.

Finally, I pull my truck to a stop, my tears running low and my gas tank not far behind.

It's dark and quiet here, the sun has long since disappeared.

I don't know how I ended up here, or how I managed to survive the drive in my trance-like state, but the surroundings are surprisingly familiar to me, even in the dark.

I've stopped outside a state park, the little wooden sign proclaiming it to be Woodland Valley.

A small semblance of warmth inches into my heart at the memories this sign has suddenly conjured up.

My mom used to bring me and my best friend Black star here when we were children.

We would camp here every summer.

My hard working single mom believed that no matter how much money you had in your pocket, camping was the most rewarding vacation you could take.

We were young and carefree back then.

Life was an adventure.

We were like the Goonies, only you know, poor; and there wasn't really any adventure involving pirate treasure.

But that never stopped us.

We roved these woods, picked wildflowers with my mother, and ran as free and wild as the river we splashed in on hot summer days.

We never knew that we went without.

When you have the imagination of a child, a vast blue sky, wind open spaces to roam, and skittles in your pocket, life is undeniably sweet.

My mom understood that.

She was a hippie in many ways, a real salt of the earth kind of woman.

Thoughts of my mom come unbidden.

At this moment I wish I could speak to her.

She would know what to say to put my heart at ease.

Life has no prejudice when it comes to taking people before their time though.

My mom was no exception, leaving this world long before her time.

A heart attack had claimed her only a few years ago.

This place though...

In the worst time of my life I've accidentally come back to it.

_Maybe it's not an accident though?_

This little spot of earth that we terrorized as children; this place where memories are warm and thick.

Beautiful and bittersweet.

I must have driven here for a reason.

My heart flutters in my chest.

Maybe I can find some answers here?

I peer past the entrance, my heart in my throat.

Down the road, I see a small wooden building with a welcome sign.

A single lantern sits in the window-sill, winking brightly through the trees.

It's humble and inviting.

In a daze like state I step out of my truck.

I feel my feet carrying me forward before my brain has the chance to catch up.

I walk up to the little building, the words **Ranger Station** emblazoned on the front.

A solitary man sits on the porch as I approach.

His long legs are stretched out and crossed at the ankles.

He reclines in an overstuffed office chair that looks out of place.

I imagine he rolled it outside from his desk in an attempt to enjoy the evening air.

His eyes are shut, his face contemplative.

I feel abruptly awkward, like I'm interrupting something very private.

Like when you sneeze in church during prayer or when you accidentally make eye contact with someone through the cracks of a bathroom stall.

"What can I do for you, ma'am?" He asks, cracking one crimson eye open as I stand undecided a few paces away.

_Shit_.

Too late to backtrack now.

I try to speak, but nothing comes out but a harsh puff of air.

I realize I haven't spoken out loud since I left the doctor's office.

I clear my throat and try again, trying to dislodge the lump crying has left there.

"I'd like to buy a day pass."

I grimace at the sound of my voice.

Even to my own ears, I hear how dumb my request sounds.

The man simply nods and rises to go into the office.

I fidget back and forth, from one booted foot to the other as I wait.

"You know it's very odd for people to actually pay these days." his voice says, floating from somewhere in the office. "People usually don't want to pay the five dollar pass, they'd rather sneak into the park."

"Over five dollars? Can't you stop them from sneaking in?" I ask, somewhat bewildered by this turn in the conversation.

The ranger reappears in the doorway shaking his head grimly.

"We used to have 15 rangers who worked here, now I'm the only one left. I can't run the whole place by myself, I'm getting to old for this."

I look him up and down with a critical eye. He doesn't look old, in fact he's probably younger than me. His hair his a silvery white though and his shoulders are hunched like he's been through some weary days.

"You're the only Ranger here? Why did everybody leave?" I ask, stunned by this news.

"Budget cutbacks. We couldn't afford to pay people. Hell, even my measly check isn't worth the effort."

"Why are you still here then?" I ask, genuinely intrigued.

He scratches his head a moment, a far-off look in his eyes.

"I couldn't bear to see them close this place down. The cutbacks are happening all over the place, not just here. This land, it's so much more than just trees and mountains. It's a place of peace for the weary and downtrodden. A place where nature in all of her wisdom can teach us about life, if we care to listen."

He stops talking suddenly.

He ducks his head sheepishly as if he's said too much.

I smile warmly at him in return.

I have a sneaking suspicion my hippie mom would have found a kindred spirit in this man.

To cover up his embarrassment he quickly produces a pad and pen and writes out a pass.

"Name? " he asks all business now.

"Maka. It means to sow seeds. "

He doesn't bat an eye at my odd name like most people do, courtesy of my flower child mother.

"Nice to meet you, Maka, I'm Soul."

"Seriously?! So that makes you Ranger Soul?!" I guffaw loudly, and very unladylike like. That's the best thing I've heard all day."

Ranger Soul stares at me like I'm crazy.

_Maybe I have gone crazy? _

That or Ranger Soul just doesn't have a sense of humor.

He pointedly looks back down as he continues to scribble.

I'm not completely sure, but I think a corner of his mouth lifts slightly or maybe I imagined it.

He tears off a sheet of paper from his binder with an air of finality.

I quickly fish out a crumpled up five from my bluejeans and hand it to him in return.

He hesitates slightly before I can take my pass from his hand.

"You know it's 10:00PM right?" he asks his voice laced with apprehension.

"I usually don't pry, but why are you here?"

I freeze, unsure what to say.

So many thoughts come to me in a rushed tangent.

_Why am I here? Why are any of us here?_

_ What's the point of our existence?_

_ How come no one is concerned with the cutback of ourr national parks?_

_ How can this man not laugh at being called Ranger Soul? _

_Who the heck names their kid Soul?"_

I have nothing, my mind a scattered mess.

I have no idea why I am here.

I don't know why I feel this strong urge to go into the park.

In the middle of the night.

Alone.

My world has become unmoored in a way.

I'm drifting by an unknown course.

I've been floating in a vast emptiness since the news.

I've been lost in uncertainty until now, but this place… it feels right.

And not a lot has felt very right within the last 24 hours of my life.

Ranger Soul is still waiting patiently for me to reply.

So I don't question it further. Instead, I rely on the feelings swelling deep inside myself.

"I don't know." I say after what feels like forever.

"I don't know what I'm looking for, and I know it sounds strange, but I feel like whatever it is, it's out there, hidden in the forest."

To his credit, he doesn't look at me like I'm off my rocker like I had expected him to.

His snowey brows furrow in concern, but his eyes remain warm.

It's quite possible Ranger Soul understands.

Not what I'm going through maybe, but he can sense my need to find that elusive something.

The intangible quest.

He nods curtly, his ranger badge flashing against the lantern light.

He turns on his heels and goes back into the office, the sound of him muttering under his breath loud in the quiet night air.

He returns promptly and thrusts something heavy into my hands, which I almost instantly drop.

I look down, trying to register what I'm now clutching in my hands.

It's a flashlight.

Well, it's more like if a flashlight and a nightstick had a 50-pound baby.

I'm not sure if I'm meant to use it for light or wield it as a weapon.

"It's a mag light." he says, seeing my bewildered face. "Take it."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly," I say, trying to give it back.

He holds his hands up, not accepting it.

"You might need it. In case you need some light, or to crack some skulls open," he says, not a hint of teasing in his voice.

Ranger Soul is quickly becoming my new favorite person.

"Thank you." I murmur, truly touched by his kindness.

Ranger Soul looks up at the sky, not acknowledging my thanks in the least.

He squints silently, his focus is on something I can't really see.

"There's a storm brewing in the east." He says matter of factly.

"Really?" I stare up at the cloudless sky, questioning his weatherman abilities.

"If you leave now you should have a few hours before the storm hits."

I nod my head in agreement, taking the hint I should leave.

As pleasant as this Soul guy is, I'm sure he has more important things to do than stand around and chat with me all night.

"Thank you again for the flashlight, Soul. I really appreciate it."

He shrugs his shoulders."Don't mention it."

I click on his flashlight and turn to leave.

I don't know what direction I am supposed to go in so I choose the closest path that leads into the forest.

I was so determined to go into the park, but now I can't help but feel a little apprehension as I walk further away from the ranger station.

"Hey! Maka!" Ranger Soul's voice calls out.

I spin around, nearly dropping the damn flashlight on my foot.

Ranger Soul stands on the porch, his face barely visible in the dim lantern light.

"I truly hope you find whatever it is you're looking for."

"Thank you!" I yell back, my heart swelling a bit.

"And one more thing! Whatever you're searching for, make sure you find it before that storm rolls in. I might be the park ranger, but I don't enjoy getting wet. Don't make me come looking for you."

He smiles, and it's a little odd, like maybe he hasn't smiled in a long while.

I stifle a giggle at his deadpan tone that doesn't quite match his grin.

"Yes, sir!" I laugh out.

Maybe Ranger Soul does have a sense of humor.

He waves once more and heads back into the ranger station.

I am alone once more.

The night closes in around me as I begin to walk forward.

My earlier apprehension is now gone, melted away by the kindness of a stranger.

The dense trees welcome me into their midst's with breathy sighs and creaking limbs as the forest slowly swallows me whole.

I am thankful for the flashlight as I follow the small beam along the well-worn path.

After a while I come to a fork in the road, a wooden sign staked between.

**Woodland valley outlook.**

I recognize this trail, having hiked it so many times in the past as a child.

It was a short climb, with winding paths leading to a great view.

At the end of the trail, you came out on top of a gently sloped ledge that overlooked the whole valley.

It was one of my mom's favorite trails.

She would spend hours scouring the area for rare flowers and plants that dotted the ledges.

I feel the lump from earlier starting to form in my throat at the memory.

I haven't been here since my mom passed away.

It's a surreal experience, being here without her.

I almost expect to round the corner and find her there, gathering flowers, barefoot and smiling brightly.

I gravitate towards the right, taking the path to the lookout.

Maybe it's the memories, or the feeling of my mom so near that guides me, but my feet move me forward with purpose.

The forest is quiet.

The sound of my steady heart beating and the soft crunching of leaves under my feet are oddly loud in the still on the night.

The silence is comforting though.

The earth is sleeping and the forest animals are nestled in for the night.

Except for a raccoon that dives past me into the bushes, nearly giving me a small heart attack.

I laugh as he disappears, his furry face indignant.

I am trespassing on his quiet evening.

"Sorry, Mr. Raccoon," I whisper as I pass, continuing up the now steadily rising path.

I glimpse up past the dark veil of the living canopy, to the heavens above.

It's a beautiful clear night.

The stars are bright and not a single cloud in the sky.

Ranger Soul's weather predictions are falling rather short.

I breathe in deep.

The smell of dew dampened earth and crisp pine needles fills my senses.

Nature in all of her glory.

The forest, quiet, yet full of life.

_Life..._

Life, how much life do I have left to live?

The reality of my deteriorating situation hits me hard.

Up until now, I had almost thought it a dream.

A bad dream that I would soon wake up from.

Reality sinks in though, taking my breath away.

It feels like jumping into an ice-cold lake; you know it's going to be cold, but you're still not totally prepared for the shock it brings.

I now know that there is no waking up from this.

I am dying.

Betrayed by my own body.

I feel my life slipping through my fingertips and I am unable to stop it.

The sliver of sky I had been watching through the treetops becomes blurry.

I blink rapidly trying the clear my vision as tears run unbidden down my cheek.

I will myself to stop the tears, wanting to watch the sky uninhibited.

If my life is going to be short, I want to see all of its beauty with clear eyes.

All I've done in the last 24 hours is cry.

I'm done with that.

I'm going to finish this hike tear free.

I'm going to reach the top and enjoy this small victory.

If this is the last time I come here I want it to be a happy memory.

I want to see the beauty of it all.

Once I leave this place it'll be time to put on my big girl panties and deal with the cold hard facts.

There will be plenty of time for that afterward though.

Tonight, I am simply here.

Maybe I'll find what my heart is searching for, or maybe not.

But I have to try.

So I wipe away the rest of my tears and I press on.

An unknown amount of time passes as I traipse through the forest.

After some time I come to the end of the trail.

I crest the top of the rise and the trees disperse, giving way to the vast sky.

It expands out in all directions, giving the clearing a sweeping view of the wide vista.

I walk slowly to the edge of the lookout and peek over the ledge.

It's not extremely high up, but the valley below is dark and expansive.

A small lake shimmers far below, it's water smooth and clear like glass.

The forest and sky stretch out in all directions, as far as the eye can see.

I'm not afraid of heights, but my heart thuds painfully in my chest.

_This place is so painfully beautiful._

I take a seat on a smooth bolder that sits close to the edge.

From my stone perch, I can see for miles and miles.

In the distance, I see a wall of clouds that flashes as lightning streaks the sky.

I guess Ranger Souls's weather predictions weren't so crazy after all.

A small storm is rolling over the mountains from the east.

The storm thankfully is far enough away to not be a real threat.

I smile at the thought of Soul trudging up the mountain to find me, wet and irritable.

The quiet roll of thunder comes after some time, echoing through the valley.

The indescribable smell of rain hangs in the air.

I sigh softly as my eyes wander.

Up here, high above the earth, I feel as if I am the queen of the world.

As if I am the only person left on earth.

Emerald ferns whisper against my legs as I swing them back and forth, and a nightingale sings softly somewhere nearby.

I feel strangely at peace.

I've always felt more at ease in nature than anywhere else though.

So why had I chosen a career that kept me caged in an office cubicle?

Why hadn't I taken more vacations or come hiking here more often?

It's rather sad how narrow-minded I've become over the years, and now, I'm beginning to see things in a new light.

_ A little too late, unfortunately._

I shake my head vehemently, trying to dislodge my sorrowful thoughts.

My regrets from earlier today suddenly seem pale in comparison.

Meeting Mr. Right no longer seems like an import life goal.

Why the heck am I worries about my love life?

This place has reminded me of the sheer beauty our earth holds.

There are so many corners of this world I haven't seen yet.

The highlands of Scotland, the Mediterranean ocean of Venice, the peaks of Machu Picchu.

I envision all the places I'm never going to see, and my heart breaks a little more.

I feel the corner of my eyes dampen, but I keep the tears at bay.

I have run out of time to see the world, but I don't want to spoil the view I do have.

This place is my little slice of heaven.

Time seems to stand still as I gaze across the land.

As if this place is caught up in some kind of magical spell.

The earth thrums. The air crackles. Thunder slowly rolls, deep and constant, shaking the foundation to its core.

The tree's sigh and the earth shifts into that place between chaos and peace, sleeping and stirring.

I look up as the sky above me begins to flash.

I expect to see lightning, but the sky is still clear overhead.

Another streak of light shoots across my vision, then another, and another.

I exhale sharply into the night air.

_A meteor shower?_

I watch in awe as the celestial hosts' dance and careen across the inky canvas.

They sway and flit beyond my reach and understanding, distant and lonely.

Devoid of our earthly worries and woes they blaze bright, burning into my memory, searing their presents into my raw and bloodied heart.

The light is so dazzling I can only squint up for a short while, before my eyes water and the black spots begin to invade my peripheral.

The light around me is soft though and it washes over the forest, bathing me and everything it touches in a warm glow.

The sky cascades around me as the heavens pour out their multitudes into the bitter night.

They burn and fizzle as they come crashing to the earth, lost somewhere over the horizon.

What a sad fate for something so beautiful.

I suppose it's only fitting that something so beautiful, also have a beautiful demise.

With that thought echoing in my head, I feel myself shattering into a million pieces.

The veil of life has lifted before my very eyes.

I feel an emotional bond with these sad stars.

Maybe it's serenity or an epiphany.

Whatever it is though, it takes my breath away.

_ I know why I am here._

I came searching for answers tonight that had no real questions.

I came here on a whim, to find that nameless something.

And now I know.

I came here for more than just one thing.

I came here searching for peace.

I've found it here in this quiet corner of the world.

I feel so connected with the earth, in a way I have never felt before.

I let this euphoria soak deep into my bones and I breathe deeply the mountain air.

I feel centered.

More so than I have in a very long time.

I feel united with my mom again, in this place that she so dearly loved.

At this moment I feel her presence, washing over me.

It's warm, like the light of a thousand stars now dancing across my skin.

My mom is gone, but she will always be in my heart.

She belongs to nature; to the sky and the wild earth.

Wherever there is star-filled nights and sunshine filled meadows full of spring flowers, I will find her.

If she can live on after death, then so can I.

If these beautiful stars can burn bright before they die, then so can I.

Maybe my purpose coming here is to help.

To keep this beautiful land safe, to raise awareness about the national parks crisis.

There has to be other people out there who care as much as I do.

Maybe I'll quit my job and volunteer my time at the ranger station, maybe start some fundraisers for the national parks.

The thought of working with Ranger Soul fills me with a warm sense of contentment.

When I'm not working to save the parks I'm going to disappear, take a hike, climb this trail again.

Who knows, I might hop on a plane, blow a huge chunk of my savings, and go see the world after all.

Nothing is stopping me now.

I laugh out loud, my spirits feeling brighter.

My soul burns with my newfound zeal.

I feel it spreading through my being like wildfire.

I am determined to make a difference now with whatever time I have left.

This place has brought me peace and clarity.

It's helped me find my fighting spirit.

In a way, I've found my true self again.

I am no longer the girl who sits behind a desk and accepts defeat.

I am Maka. The girl who is going to kick ass, travel the world, and save the national parks.

I jump up from my bolder, overtaken by the fire lit within me.

"I will not let you win!" I yell to the world, effectively scaring ever woodland creature within a half-mile radius.

I know I look crazy yelling up to the sky, but I don't even care.

I'm crazy and spontaneous Maka now.

I won't let this disease define who I am.

I might be dying, but don't we all die eventually?

I have to make the time I do have count.

It's silly how easily I had given up.

I accepted it without a fight.

I had run away, dooming my own immortality without a second guess.

Not anymore though.

Because life is a gift, and the world a challenge.

If I want to live, I have to fight for it.

"Bring it on!" I shout to the sky, challenging the universe and also to a certain degree, myself.

I am not invincible, but I feel infinite in this moment.

So bring on the floods, bring on the fires!

I will swim circles around anything, and I will walk through the flames unflinching.

I will turn the world upside down, then shake it to its very core!

For I am strong and bold, and foolish, all in the same breath.

I will reach for the sky, I will touch the heavens, or crash to the earth trying.

"Thank you," I whisper.

I'm not sure if I'm speaking to God, the stars, or maybe my mom, but I am thankful for everything I've been taught tonight.

With my new found purpose propelling me I turn on my heels, leaving the overlook.

I blink back joyful tears as I leave the clearing.

This place will forever be special to me.

Now all I have to do is convince Ranger Soul to hire me.

I don't even care if I get paid or not.

I laugh at the very idea.

I really like this wild and carefree person I'm becoming.

I know my mom would be proud.

As I begin my journey back down I see one last star burn across the sky in a white-hot arc and I smile to myself.

It's not a bad way to leave this world.

With a bang and a flash, with fire and passion.

Whether I live a few more months or a hundred more years...

I know that none shall burn brighter than I.

END?


End file.
